temporarylumps

Stinking Cold

Well chemo last week went well…….it was uneventful and I had no complications afterwards…….Praise God! I had told Dawn (the PA) on Wednesday that I had a sore throat and felt like I was trying to catch a cold. Well, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, “the cold” kept chasing me and finally kicked me in the rear by Friday evening. I was coughing, congested, just plain felt like crap and went to bed with the chickens Friday night. I had recently purchased some DoTerra Oils and I was diffusing oils in my bedroom to try to help me breathe and sleep. I was pulling out all the stops to try to outrun this mess. No such luck. I woke up Saturday morning feeling like I’d been run over by a truck…….and coughing like someone with tuberculosis! Goodness……I got out of bed, made some coffee and settled in for a a day of rest, rest, rest. I nestled into the couch with my coffee, tissues, cough drops, thermometer, blanket and TV remote. I was all set for the day. Thankfully – I never ran a fever! I finally felt up to getting a shower late Saturday afternoon.

Still not feeling great today. I skipped church this morning and just stayed home and rested some more. I didn’t want to share my germs with anyone else……and I sure didn’t want to risk feeling any worse. Thank goodness there’s a new lineup of Fall movies on The Hallmark Channel! And it’s been some wonderful, crisp days to sit out on the screened porch for awhile. No matter how bad you feel – I think fresh air always helps! Hopefully these two days of rest will help me recover pretty quickly. Of course, my biggest fear is that something like this might cause me to have chemo postponed. We surely don’t want that.

This Wednesday is shaping up to be a very busy one much like last Wednesday. I’m scheduled for labs, doctors visit, echocardiogram and chemo……hopefully in that order. Because of my low O2 saturation levels last week, I had to have a CT scan. Thankfully, Dawn called me last Thursday afternoon to tell me that the CT scan was normal and showed no indication of any blood clots in my lungs. After getting my results and talking with my medical oncologist, they agreed that since the CT did not give any explanation of the low oxygen sat issue, that another echocardiogram was needed. I had a baseline echocardiogram done before my first round of chemo…….and I’m scheduled to have another one done this Wednesday BEFORE my next treatment. While I don’t want anything to be wrong – I pray that if there is something crazy going on, that the echo will give us some answers. I’m still very short of breath at times – and it’s difficult to try to increase your stamina when you plain out feel like crap!

So that’s my weekend in a nutshell. It’s been a quiet and restful one so I can’t complain. I pray that this cold tries to go catch someone else – I surely don’t have time for this. I am anxious to check off Taxol #3 on Wednesday – and really don’t want anything interfering with me getting my treatment as planned. Here’s the a swift recovery!

Oh, and today is a pretty important day. It’s my dad’s birthday. He turns 80 years young today. Those of you that know him, know that a)he doesn’t look 80 and b)he sure as heck doesn’t ACT 80! He’s a hot mess……but I wouldn’t trade him for 10 more just like him.

He’s one of the most selfless people I know. He’s a people person and if he’s your friend – you’ve got a friend for life. He likes to pick and poke fun…..an eternal “instigator” – but it’s all in good fun. My dad has been a fighter – he’s shown me time and time again what it takes to look sickness in the face and say “game on” and come out a winner. He’s suffered from Coronary Artery Disease since 1989…..had triple by-pass surgery, a pacemaker, numerous stents and more heart catheterizations than I can remember (although I’m sure if he were here, I could ask him and he would spit out the number in an instant). He’s had some setbacks here and there……but his comebacks have far surpassed any of those setbacks. While we don’t always like the cards that life deals us (sometimes we just get a crappy hand, ya know) – he’s shown me how to take the hand you were dealt and make the absolute best of it. Doesn’t matter if you were dealt heart disease, diabetes, cancer or asthma…….whatever the illness…….just remember that it doesn’t DEFINE you as a person! He never let his heart disease stop him from living. He may have had to do things a little differently – but he has packed a lotta living in the past 28 years! And I intend to do the same. This stinking cancer is not going to keep me from living and doing the things that I love! If you see this guy around – make sure to wish him a Happy 80th Birthday! Pa, I hope you have a fantastic birthday today! Celebrate BIG!

cards we are dealt — Love Randy Pausch and his attitude!

**side note** if you don’t know who Randy Pausch is or know anything about him, I strongly urge you to view his “last lecture”. I’m supplying the link below! It’s long but oh, so worth it!

Oh…….and one more thing……I can’t close out this post without mentioning that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month! Please please……if you (or someone you know) have NEVER had a mammogram, I cannot stress enough just how important it is! Do me a favor – schedule yours this week! Don’t put it off. Early detection saves lives!

Have a great week!

Sonja

Psalm 147:3-6 The Message (MSG)

2-6 God’s the one who rebuilds Jerusalem,
    who regathers Israel’s scattered exiles.
He heals the heartbroken
    and bandages their wounds.
He counts the stars
    and assigns each a name.
Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
    we’ll never comprehend what he knows and does.
God puts the fallen on their feet again
    and pushes the wicked into the ditch.

A Little Hiccup

I had my 2nd Taxol treatment yesterday. Lab work is always first…..followed by a visit with my doctor, then chemo after that. Lab work was smooth and easy as usual. The port nurses at Duke are on top of their game. Checked that off and went to check in with Ms. Queenie at the Breast Clinic for my doctors visit. Ms. Queenie ALWAYS calls me by name and has done so since the first day i visited the clinic. I joke that it’s her super power – remembering hundreds of folks names. What a great personal touch! Ms. Queenie is great at her job!

After getting vitals done, etc, I had to answer a questionnaire about any complications, symptoms, etc. I checked that I was experiencing shortness of breath and fatigue. Other than that – no stress, no harm, no foul. Well…..apparently the shortness of breath answer caused me to have to do some exercise yesterday. I was hooked up to the 02 sensor and they had me push the cart around the entire perimeter of the breast cancer clinic. I was doing good on halls 1, 2 & 3 – my sat dropped from 100 – 99 then 98. As I took the last hallway the nurse said “oh my, there it went” and I was like what? My O2 sat had dropped down to 82. Not good she said. She recorded my stats in the computer and I waited to see the doc. I checked out fine but after hearing that I was short of breath she was not quite sure that my 02 sat had dropped to 82. She thought maybe the nurse had entered the wrong number in the wrong place. After conferring with the nurses, they confirmed that, indeed, the 82 number was correct.

Dawn came back in my room with her head down looking at the floor and reluctantly said “well, the numbers weren’t wrong……your levels really did dip that far….so you’ve just bought yourself a ticket for a CT scan today”. She was about as disappointed as I was. I asked if this meant that I had to have the CT BEFORE chemo or if chemo would be put off – she said hold on a bit, let me make some calls. She came back and advised me to go to chemo as scheduled and they had scheduled me for a CT at 4:30. Dawn listened to my lungs very thoroughly and said while they sound perfectly clear, she had no choice but to order the CT to rule out any potential blood clots, etc. Not the news I wanted to hear – but you have to know that not every appointment is going to go without incident. The praise was that they could at least do the CT while I was there and I wouldn’t have to come back another day. I had to text my sweet caregiver, Pat, who was in the lobby and tell her it looked like our stay was going to be extended and if she had plans, I could call in a 2nd shift. She said nope – she was completely fine and would be there with me til we were done. Gotta love friends like that!

My 2nd Chemo was uneventful thank God. That IV benadryl is the shizzz though. Lordy, it had me struggling to keep my eyes open within 3 minutes after she pushed that thru my IV. Talk about relaxed. So imagine me trying to have a conversation while already suffering from “chemo brain” on a daily basis……now i’m slurring my syllables and words just evade me after the benadryl. Good thing Hunter wasn’t with me at this appointment. I’m sure there would be video footage of me being a hot mess!

We were finally able to leave Duke around 6:30…….and stopped at Ruby Tuesday’s on the way home for a delicious dinner – Pat and I were both starving! It was a long, tiring day but a good day all the same. I was so exhausted when I got home, I headed to bed shortly after getting here and slept like a baby all night long. Long days almost always mean a good nights sleep. And I awoke this morning feeling great.

So the countdown continues. 2 Taxols down……6 to go! I’m making progress and checking things off my calendar. It’s crazy to think all this started back mid-April with my annual physical. It’s been a quick 6 months for sure. A lot going on and a lot of progress being made.

And those of you that know me know that I am anything BUT a girly girl. Country redneck would be more accurate. My past 2 trips to chemo, it’s been hot and I decided what the heck…..I just went in rocking the bald look. After all – it is a cancer center and there’s plenty of bald folks roaming around. Pat and I were sitting in a corner in the infusion waiting room chatting while we waited for me to be called back. When we finally got up to leave, a sweet lady stopped me and said “you are a beautiful young lady”…..I joked that it must be my hair do……but she and her husband were so kind. I was just blown away. Clearly, it MUST have been the new make-up I purchased on our girls weekend beach trip! 🙂

Every day, I am reminded at just how good God has been to me as I’ve traveled this road. Caring friends, prayer warriors, supportive friends and family, “joy bombs”, compliments from complete strangers……the list goes on and on.

Learning I had cancer was NOT good…….but the things I’ve learned BECAUSE of this cancer has been life changing. Seeing so much good in people, phone calls/texts to make sure I’m doing okay, food, oh the food, and unexpected visitors to bring a smile to my face, folks offering rides to treatment. I’ve learned that there truly are some awesome people left in this world. I hate that it takes a diagnosis or health issue to truly see that – but I’m thankful that I’ve seen it just the same.

Now you go be awesome today! And I challenge you to find at least one thing that happened to you today to be grateful for. For me – it was being thankful for friends that sent an unexpected but beautiful bouquet of flowers to cheer me! That makes two deliveries in one week! So thankful!

Blessings!

Sonja

Deuteronomy 31:6 The Message (MSG)

6 “Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.”

Tackling Taxol

After my wonderful and relaxing weekend at the beach…….I came back home recharged and ready to “tackle” my Taxol regimen.

On Tuesday, I was invited to attend a Bible Study at the home of a dear friend and Christian mentor. We had a wonderful time, I met some new friends and we had a great discussion regarding the Proverbs 31 Woman. I’m excited to go back this week as we continue learning about the Women of the Bible. What a wonderful distraction from this nasty cancer and chemo! I was blessed to be able to attend.

I have labs before every infusion (just to make sure all my numbers are where they should be and that it’s safe for me to receive the infusion)……..and I also saw Dawn, the PA (whom I ADORE). She said everything looked good for the infusion and commended me AGAIN on how well she thought my body had handled the FEC regimen. At every check up with the doctor, they have asked me each time if I’ve had any shortness of breath. The answer was always no……until after the 4th and final FEC. I told her I’d really noticed that I was short of breath many times since the last treatment. Dawn said that was understandable and made sense because my hemoglobin was a bit low – but nothing to be alarmed about. Praise the Lord. As long as there is an explanation for it and all is well……I can handle it.

After getting a good report from the PA, we headed up on to the infusion waiting room. No computer problems today – so it wasn’t long before they took me back and got me started. I got IV steroids, fluid, benadryl, and my Taxol. Let me just tell ya that MINUTES after getting that Benadryl – I was feeling really, really sleepy. It was crazy how quickly it took effect.

They advise you drink lots of water/fluids on chemo days…..and I had taken in my share of fluids that morning. I used the bathroom just before going into the infusion room……..and literally within the first 10 minutes of getting the actual Taxol – I was DYING to go to the bathroom AGAIN. My nurse was not really happy with me and asked me if I was SURE I couldn’t wait any longer. They want watch you really close the first 10-15 minutes to make sure you don’t have any allergic reaction to the chemo. I told her if I didn’t go to the bathroom ASAP, I was sure to pee my pants! 🙂 She reluctantly unplugged the IV pole and sent me on my way……and told where the red button was in the bathroom if I had any issues. Thankfully – all was well. No need to press any alarms……but golly gee when they are pumping you full of all kinds of fluids, and you’re drinking fluids excessively…..trips to the bathroom are mandatory for this chick. I joked that I must have a “pea” size bladder.

Apparently, I got a little loopy kinda quick. My friend Cheryl took me to chemo last week…..and I was really struggling to keep my eyes open and I’m guessing I wasn’t communicating too well with her either. She finally said “can you lay that chair back any more”? I responded “yes” and she said “well lay it back and shut your eyes and go to sleep”! Who wouldda thunk I would be sleeping through my chemo! That must have been a big dose of Benadryl! Yeah….I mighta snored a wee little bit during chemo this week. My apologies to the other patients and the nurses in the infusion rooms! 🙂

So…..that’s 1 Taxol down……7 to go. Treatment #2 should happen this Wednesday. I’ve not had any real side effects from the treatment but I have been sooooo very tired. It hits you all of a sudden……like a brick wall. All day Friday I COULD NOT wake up! I just wanted to lay down and sleep. Well, that’s pretty much what I did. Saturday was much the same. I got up, ran a quick errand in town and stayed home the rest of the day. I had a few friends here visiting and we were sitting at the dining room table. I finally had to say “sorry to be rude, but I’ve GOTTA lay down”. The exhaustion came on me from out of nowhere. I was sooo upset too because I had plans for Saturday night. These plans had been on my calendar for months. My sweet niece was competing in our local Distinguished Young Woman’s pageant Saturday night……and I HAD to be able to attend. I laid down about 3:30 and boy did I do some power sleeping til about 6:00pm. Just in time to get up, get dressed and head to the show. I had prayed that God would give me enough strength to make it through the pageant – and, yet again, He answered my prayers. I mean, how could I not go and support this phenomenal young woman? She’s smart, talented, compassionate and oh so witty….. and she fills our lives with so much laughter! She’ll always be our “baby girl”…..no matter how old she gets! So proud of you Ms. Boom! 🙂 And so thankful I was able to attend!

Friday I was trying to get some bills paid and was sitting at the dining room table when the doorbell rang. I was expecting someone from the cable company……so imagine my surprise when I looked out the window and saw one of my oldest and dearest friends (who currently lives in Cleveland, OH) standing at my front door…..bearing a huge goody basket in his hands. He was in town visiting his mother and brought me a basket full of all things Cleveland. What an awesome gift. We were able to visit for a few minutes, catch up and have a few laughs. I have never been so shocked and so happy to see someone. While his gift was wonderful……the sweet note he wrote in my card truly touched my heart. He is, indeed, one of my oldest friends……it’s kinda cool when you really can’t remember a time when you DIDN’T know someone. Our friendship has been around for as long as we can remember. God sent me a wonderful Angel on Friday…….all the way from Cleveland. He knew my heart needed a pick me up…..and who better than Brad to accomplish that task. Never, EVER underestimate just how much even the shortest of visits can mean to someone. Old friends really are the best!

Brad had no idea my son was a Cleveland Cavaliers fan……but I knew right away I was going to have some sticky fingers trying to “borrow” my goodies! He enjoyed going through the goody basket as much as I did. No surprises here when we got ready to go grab some dinner Friday night when he appeared wearing some of my new swag…….but I secretly love that we can share! 🙂 And FYI – the Bertman’s Ballpark Mustard was on point! My only regret is that I didn’t think to take a pic while Brad was here. But…..today Pastor Karl talked about our long term memories – and how most often those memories are surrounding relationships. I have a feeling I’ll remember seeing his face outside my window for a long time.

Today has been a day of rest and worship……and nothing else. And it felt oh, so good! Rest is good for the soul. Now let’s just wait for Wednesday and check off Taxol #2!

Blessings!

Sonja

Your Face Mirrors Your Heart

17 You use steel to sharpen steel,
and one friend sharpens another.

Vitamin Sea Therapy

A good while back, my friend Lisa and I started trying to meet for lunch at least once a week. I joked that lunch with Lisa was good “therapy” because she is such a great listener and always has the best advice. One Sunday at church, our friend Paula heard us talking about our”therapy” lunches and said she wanted to be in on these lunch dates…….and so it began. The three of us made efforts to meet once a week for lunch. We never knew week to week who needed the “therapy” the most! As soon as we were seated at lunch, one of us would always start sharing the dilemma of the day…..whether it was work related or struggles with parenting, aging parents…..the list of dilemmas was endless. These lunches were a safe place to pour our hearts out over the pizza buffet (ya’ll know I’m a pizza lover)!

Since my diagnosis in May this year…….there were the surgeries, recoveries, and then right into chemo. Then we had summer vacation, and everyone’s schedule sorta gets turned upside down. Needless to say…..our “therapy lunches” have been sort of hit and miss this summer. I know I missed those lunch dates – and I’m pretty sure Lisa and Paula did too!

Awhile back, I looked at the calendar and realized there was going to be a bit of a break between my last FEC treatment and the start of my Taxol treatment. I tried to find a weekend during what should be my “good week” to plan a much needed “therapy weekend” with my girls…….and prayed and held my breath that I would, indeed, be feeling good when that weekend rolled around!

God is good…….he answered my prayers and last Thursday evening, Lisa, Paula and I set out for a much needed girls only “therapy weekend” in Beaufort, NC. Vitamin Sea Therapy was just what I needed for sure……but turns out it was what we ALL needed!

What a great weekend of rest, relaxation, reflection, regrouping and recharging. My Papa used to say that the salt water cured everything. I’m pretty sure he was right! I know that there was some mental and emotional “healing” that occurred for me this weekend too! Actually, I think every trip to the beach brings about some “healing”. The beach has always been a special place for me……something about sitting and watching the waves come in and out…..time and time again……watching the tides change……all of that is just a wonderful example of God’s power and majesty. The same God who created me created the ocean, the tides, the waves…….what an awesome God we serve.

We stayed up late, slept in, enjoyed our morning coffee, ate some delicious food and had NO AGENDA! One afternoon as we walked into Ulta (we intentionally went WITHOUT makeup so we could try some new foundations)…….we unknowingly walked right in to an Urban Decay Makeover event at this location. They asked if we’d like makeovers and we quickly said “sure thing”. We left that place looking like celebrities! What a wonderful and unexpected treat for all of us! We had so much fun with the make up artists! Check us out #wegotmakeovers #girlslookinggood #canwedothisourselves #shegavemeeyebrowsagain #thoselips

So thankful God placed these girls in my life. I’m thinking this may need to be an “annual” outing for us! Our husbands managed so well without us……or was it our kids managed our husbands so well without us? Either way……they survived!

Oh…..if you’re in the Beaufort/Morehead City/Atlantic Beach NC area – you simply MUST make a visit to HappyCakes Cupcakery. Ohhhh myyyy goodness! Those cupcakes are sinful but soooo good! It’s a MUST STOP for my crew every time we come! And for all my local friends – the good news is they are opening a new store in Cary, NC! Everything is made fresh daily. They have different flavors available each day! They really are the best cupcakes I’ve ever had! Beware the addiction!

http://www.thehappycakescupcakery.com

Saturday night, we ate dinner on the Beaufort Waterfront…….this was our view from our table on the deck……..just beautiful!

While it was difficult coming back to “reality”……at least we returned refreshed and renewed. Tomorrow I start my Taxol treatment. It will be once a week for 8 weeks. Praying that my body tolerates the Taxol as well as it has the FEC. I admit it makes me a little nervous…….just like with the first FEC treatment…….my body has never encountered these drugs……I just pray that I don’t have any allergic reactions and all goes well. God’s got me through this far…….I know He will see me through this next round too!

My devotion for this morning was titled “In Your Delay, Remember God’s Faithfulness”. The verse was from Psalm 103:2 “I will bless the Lord an nor forget the glorious things he does for me”. One of the “thought” questions at the end was “What has God done for you that proves his faithfulness?” Gosh…..He’s done SO MUCH for me. He has provided me with His peace that TRULY passes all understanding. I can’t even understand just HOW I have been so at peace with this entire Cancer ordeal. That’s not ME that’s doing it – it’s ALL HIM. And I will continue to give HIM all the praise. By nature I’m a worrier……and I say this NOT to boast…..but literally since the moment the lump was found, I HAVE NOT BEEN CONSUMED WITH WORRY. It’s crazy because I’ve worried myself sick over lesser things……truly trivial things (when my son didn’t get in the school we desired or job changes, you get the picture). But CANCER? That’s a biggie! But I have truly been able to rest in Him…….knowing that He’s going to see me through this. And just like He’s seeing me through this cancer diagnosis……He will see YOU through whatever storm you are in. Just ask Him! He won’t let you down.

If you are looking for a daily devotional, I highly recommend these from Rick Warren. You can have them delivered to your inbox daily. It’s a great way to start your day.

http://pastorrick.com/devotional#fullimage7

Blessings for a great week!

Sonja

Jeremiah 5:22New International Version (NIV)

22 Should you not fear me?” declares the Lord.
    “Should you not tremble in my presence?
I made the sand a boundary for the sea,
    an everlasting barrier it cannot cross.
The waves may roll, but they cannot prevail;
    they may roar, but they cannot cross it.

Bits and Pieces

Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. That’s mostly because on the days I felt like crap lately – I truly didn’t even feel like typing. On those days, I hung close to the couch or bed. And on the few days when I felt great – well, guess what – I was busy doing whatever I wanted to do! On the GOOD days – I try to pack in absolutely as much as I can without overdoing it!

The fourth and final FEC treatment kicked my tail……in a big way. This one has been by far the hardest to bounce back from! But I celebrate 3 “good” days in a row……and oh, how I am thankful for them.

Today is a big day………not for me personally, but for a dear friend and fellow warrior, Renee. This year she has had a double mastectomy, numerous rounds of chemo and TODAY she finishes up her radiation. Hallelujah and Praise the Lord. I know this had been a long, hard road for her……and I am so happy to see her be able to stamp this file as “DONE” and go on about her normal life. I talked with her last night and told her how much of an inspiration she had been to me. We had similar treatment plans, and she has been a WEALTH of knowledge and advice since she had just gone through so much of the same thing. ANYTIME I had a question – she was one of my “go-to” folks. We knew each other BC (before cancer) but we now share this bond of traveling the breast cancer highway and I know that we will share stories for years to come. Her hair is already coming back (and it is soooo soft just like a baby’s hair). She has no idea how much inspiration she has given me. I watched her tackle this mess like a BOSS and admired how she has smiled through it all. I have to give kudos to Renee’s support team also – she has been blessed (as have I) with folks from all areas of her life cheering her on in this fight. Having a support team is soooo important……and it’s truly watching “LOVE IN ACTION”. You never really realize how many folks you have on your team until something like this happens. Renee……I hope you get to CELEBRATE BIG tonight! But you and I both know that EVERYDAY is cause for celebration. It’s a shame that something like this had to happen to us to TRULY make us realize that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. is a BEAUTIFUL GIFT FROM GOD! Be thankful ya’ll…….even on the bad days……the challenging days……the not so pretty days……JUST. BE. THANKFUL. You may get tired of hearing me say that…….but I will continue to say it because “Cancer Sonja” is on a mission!

So hopefully the next week will only bring good days! I start the Taxol regimen next Wednesday…….praying I can pack a lot of “good stuff” in between now and then! Trust me – I have some things on my agenda!

CC returned to work this week and has managed very well. While I miss having him here, I know he was sooooo ready to get out of the house and back to work. I hope and pray this doesn’t hinder his recovery.

There are many reasons why we love RCS Bulldog Volleyball, but right now, during this season of my life (and in the lives of volleyball parents/grandparents/fans) I am so thankful that these young girls are passionate about raising breast cancer awareness and are having a “Dig Pink” night on Tuesday, October 3rd. They announced this yesterday and are selling t-shirts if anyone is interested! I’m a long-sleeved t-shirt kinda girl! I can’t wait to get mine! 🙂 Hugs to you girls and Carrie for getting this together! You Lady Bulldogs Rock!

Well…..that’s the bits and pieces of the past week. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and find something awesome in each day……hmmm….that makes me think about a Gratitude Journal……maybe that’s an idea???……be intentional about finding something (or many things) – but AT LEAST ONE good thing about each day. We may have to circle back to this idea!

Hugs!

Sonja

Jeremiah 17:14 MSG

14 God, pick up the pieces. Put me back together again. You are my praise!

Suck it up Buttercup!

I’ve had several conversations with myself over the past few days…….and I’ve had to remind myself to “Suck it Up Buttercup”! Steroids can be a wonderful thing……and because I take them on chemo days and for four days AFTER chemo….they keep me going……for awhile. Thankfully, they got me through a wonderful Labor Day weekend at the beach with family and friends and I felt FANTASTIC the entire time. Fast forward to Wednesday of this week and BAM…….just like clock work……DFAC (Day Five After Chemo) came crashing in. Wednesday was the absolute WORST day I have encountered during this whole ordeal. I felt like crap ALL. DAY. LONG. Lots of stomach issues…….just plain tired……and the mental gymnastics of trying to make sense of how you can feel so good immediately after chemo……and then the yucky part hits several days later. Yeah – you would think that one would become accustomed to the routine……but anticipating it and actually enduring it are two different things.

While I enjoy an occasional “pajama day”…….having three days in a row this week of feeling like crap has not been easy to handle. I remind myself that my body has endured 4 rounds of some pretty toxic chemo…….and it’s okay to NOT feel good – but the reality is it’s it can wear on your nerves pretty quick. I managed to get a shower on Wednesday……but yesterday, I never bothered! I mean, when you don’t have to worry about how your hair looks it’s not such a big deal! 🙂

So when you spent two entire days on the couch “resting” – it would seem that running to the grocery store to grab something for dinner would NOT be a big deal. Yesterday, I asked CC if he would take me to the grocery store and, of course, he said yes! I got up, got dressed and came out and politely announced that he could stay home – I was sure that I would be okay to make the 3 mile trip to town, grab something for dinner and come back. He insisted on taking me – which kind of annoyed me – but oh well. He dropped me off at the door – and I stopped to grab the disinfecting wipes to wipe down the shopping cart. Once that was taken care of – I was on a mission……to grab the few things I needed as quickly as possible. I figured I should make the trip count – so I planned to get something for dinner for two nights. I was in the store no more than 20 minutes – probably less…….and by the time I reached the check out……I was wringing wet with sweat…….nervous, and feeling like I might just pass out at any moment. Seriously???? How can this be? A little grocery shopping excursion was kicking my ass! I could not wait to make my way to the car. I literally threw the groceries in the back and settled in the front seat of the car and turned the AC on full blast. I felt like a volcano was erupting inside of me I was so hot. CC immediately asked if I was okay – and all I could do was shake my head “no”……I knew if I tried to speak, I would burst into tears.

Never fear – the tears came anyway. I had a slight mini-meltdown on the way home……so frustrated that something as trivial as a trip to the grocery store used up every ounce of energy that I had. And mind you – I’d been “resting” for two whole days. What is the logic in that? So I had a few moments of feeling sorry for myself…….and then all I could think about was “Suck it Up, Buttercup”. While my situation is not ideal – it is NOT the worst thing in the world either. This quote quickly came to mind…..

I guess I’m allowed to have a pity party every now and again……but the most important thing to remember is that I can’t UNPACK AND LIVE THERE. Granted – I don’t want to even GO there……but I surely can’t allow myself to STAY there. Thankfully – crying it out was pretty cathartic……and then it was over……and I got back home, crawled into my bed and just rested…….AGAIN!

Time and God has a way of making us see things more clearly. As I was “resting”, I was reminded about all the “good” in my life and that each and every one of us are fighting some sort of battle. For me it’s cancer……for others, it may be overeating, or bad relationships, depression, aging parents, financial burdens……the list goes on and on. In the past two weeks, I have learned of 3 more ladies from my hometown being diagnosed with cancer…….and this week I learned of a young 4 year old girl being diagnosed with AML leukemia on Tuesday of this week and started chemo the very next day! I. CANNOT. IMAGINE. what her poor parents are going through……and how do you explain something like this to a 4 year old? This child and her family is having to LIVE in the hospital for the next several months. Their world has been turned upside down! And me……at 50 years old…….was upset just because a trip to the grocery store wore me out. Talk about a reality check!

I didn’t sleep well last night…….and that’s very unusual……so I slept in extra late this morning. And so far, I’ve managed to have a bite to eat……enjoy a cup of coffee…..chat with my mom on the phone……work on my blog……enjoy a visit from my dad……received an encouraging text from a friend……and I’ve decided that no matter what…..today is GOING to be a GOOD day. I’m CHOOSING to focus on the GOOD stuff!

Suck it Up, Buttercup!

Be Awesome today!

Hugs!

Sonja

1 Peter 4:13The Message (MSG)

Glory Just Around the Corner

12-13 Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.

Celebrate Good Times…..Come on!

So we have something to celebrate! Friday, September 1st I wrapped up my first regimen of chemo…….finishing the 4th and final infusion of the FEC. Hallelujah! Even though things didn’t go as planned……it all worked out in the end. Chemo was scheduled for 12pm…..but due to computer complications, everything as having to be done by hand and it created a domino effect. I finally got called back and hooked up with my meds just a few minutes before 3pm. The nurses were working their butts off trying to get everyone taken care of. The infusion waiting room was more crowded than I have ever seen it. Chemo typically takes me 3 hours – so I finally finished up at 6:05pm. I walked out of the Cancer Center and climbed into the truck with CC and Hunter and off we headed to get some much needed Vitamin Sea in Beaufort, NC. Satan tried to steal our joy, but we were not allowing it. First the chemo delay…..then I-40 was a mess by the time we got on the road – it was rainy and yucky…..but God was still looking out after us. There had been an earlier tornado and hail storm in Clayton……and had we left at our originally scheduled time, we probably would have been right in the middle of that. So even though the delay seemed like an inconvenience…….God was sparing us from the storm.

It feels great to know that I’m now able to “check off” this FEC regimen from my treatment list. Now we get a few weeks break and Sept 20th, I start weekly Taxol treatments for a total of 8 weeks. I know I’ve said this before – but I look at each day as a blessing, as it is getting me one step closer to the finish line……when the BIG celebration will come! Meanwhile, I intend to celebrate every victory whether large or small!

Our sweet friends The Evans Family joined us for the weekend at the beach and we had THE. BEST. TIME. They are soooo much fun, always good for a laugh and JUST. SO. EASY. I’ve learned over the years that not everyone makes good travel partners. Heck, if we could take on NYC with the Evans, the beach would be a breeze! The Evans are the best! I had been bummed all summer because I felt like Hunter got cheated out of any fun this summer while he was out of school (compliments of mom “catching the cancer”) ……and I was so glad that The Evans and their son could join us this weekend. The boys had a great time paddle boarding – seeing that smile on Hunter’s face was worth every bit of effort it took for me to endure the weekend. What a great way to officially close out the summer! And Lordy did we laugh…….George has the quickest wit of anyone I know. You can’t be in bad mood and be around George! This weekend was JUST. WHAT. THE. DOCTOR. ORDERED!

The first few days after chemo are always the best ones…..the steroids keep you going. I am so thankful that my treatment schedule and the calendar worked out to make this weekend possible and allow me to participate in some fun. It was difficult watching the boys paddle board from the beach – I really wanted to be out there with them……and while it’s medically okay for me to swim…..I am NOT WILLING to take a chance on contracting any bizarre or random infection that may cause any interruption into my treatment schedule. It hasn’t been easy – but I have to remind myself that this is just for a season…..and next summer I should be able to give these boys a lesson or two! 🙂

Exhaustion set in on the ride home – but even then, it was a “good” exhaustion – as I was able to sit back and reflect over the wonderful weekend we had. It was worth me being tired as crap tonight – and for sure tomorrow……but I wouldn’t change a thing. You learn to do what you can, when you feel like you can…….and when you need to rest – well, that’s what you do. Tomorrow will be my day of rest for sure!

The ocean has always been a place of contentment for me. When I look at the ocean, and watch the waves, and tides…..it’s hard for me to look at all of God’s glory and wonder and understand how ANYONE could look at the same ocean as me and not believe there is a God who created all this beauty and majesty.

The beach is wonderful for lots of things. Relaxing……Recharging…..Recovering…….Reconnecting…..Rejuvenating and most certainly Healing. At least it is for me. I did a bit of all of these over the past few days. Every night God painted some glorious sunsets for us…..they were too beautiful not to share!

Here’s wishing each of you a wonderful week. Don’t get so caught up in the minutiae of your day that you forget to celebrate the small stuff. Thank God for your family, your friends, your health…….just be thankful. PERIOD.

Blessings,

Sonja

Psalm 145:7New International Version (NIV)

7 They celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

Positive People

I’m elated to report that I have had a great run of good days this past week. Praise God! Counting my blessings……..even the small stuff! I did have a headache yesterday afternoon, but a little nap and some migraine medicine after lunch was all I needed to get rid of that pesky thing.

I ventured out to our Personality Festival on Saturday morning. Thankfully we had some cooler weather this weekend…..and being out and about was much more tolerable for me! I ran into sooooo many people there that I hadn’t seen in awhile. It’s always so encouraging to run into friends, acquaintances and fellow cancer warriors who are so supportive and continue to encourage me in this fight……and I’m still in awe of just how many people say “I love your blog”! God is so good! I have had several people tell me that by sharing what’s going on with me on my blog, it allows them to know how to specifically pray for me and my family. While I never considered that as I’ve written the posts…..there’s just another way that God works in the small stuff! An unexpected “joy bomb”.

Many people have asked me “how do you stay so positive”? Granted – some days I’m more upbeat and positive than others……but as a whole, I have been very positive through since mess. First of all – The Good Lord has been the source of much of that positive attitude. Literally since the minute the doctor found the lump……I have had a peace about this entire ordeal. He knew I was going to need His help to get through this, and He showed up right away………by putting this Bible verse in my head as I sat in the waiting room at Durham Diagnostic…….

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

And He has continued to go before me…….EVERY……SINGLE…..STEP of the way. God is good…..all the time……all the time……God is good.

My best advise to anyone battling cancer or any other illness or demon……SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE! Because you won’t FEEL positive every day. But on those days when you wake up at 9am and just know it’s not going to be a good day……then you pick up your phone and find a text of encouragement and a Bible verse sent by one of your POSITIVE PEOPLE……that helps to encourage you to BELIEVE that today is, indeed, going to be a good day. And for goodness sakes, ELIMINATE the TOXIC people from your life. You don’t need them anyway…….but especially if you are going through a difficult time. Toxic people ALWAYS bring you down – and you don’t need ANY of that. You need only positive people and attitudes in your life.

And please know that GOOD DAYS doesn’t always mean GREAT or the BEST days. And it’s all about PERSPECTIVE. We have a choice to make each and every day – to decide if today is going to be GOOD or BAD. If we choose to make the most of every day and find even the smallest thing to count a victory that day – it will go in the books as a WIN!

Good days (for me) can be:

feeling like showering before 6pm
not feeling exhausted AFTER i shower
a day with no doctors appointments
catching a morning (or afternoon) nap
surprise visits to pass the time
talking on the phone to a friend
getting emails or texts of encouragement
someone bringing lunch (or dinner) or taking you out on days you feel up to it!
feeling good enough to check things of your “to do” list
someone texting to say “i prayed for you today”
days with no nausea

And please don’t think it’s all unicorns and fairy dust every day for me! Some days are definitely more challenging than others. Some days, I count it a WIN if I make it from the bed…..to the coffee maker…..and to the couch…….and feel like I’ve accomplished ALOT. Other days, I have enough energy to make a 2-3 hour trek out of the house…..running errands…..or grocery shopping……or attending church…….whatever it may be. But the most important thing is to CHOOSE to find AT LEAST one good thing about your day and focus on what was good rather than what wasn’t so pleasant!

When I think of the positives of my situation – these things quickly come to mind:

quick showers (no hair to wash, no legs/arms to shave)
the money i’m saving on shampoo and hair products
i can take a nap at any time and wake up and not worry how my hair looks! 🙂 i’m “runway ready” 24/7
the money i’m saving not being able to get my nails done (yep – that’s a no-no when you’re going thru chemo)!
being thankful to JUST be nauseous some days…..that’s WAYYYY better than hugging the toilet and throwing up!
being thankful for CHARMIN EXTRA-SOFT MEGA ROLLS!
being 50 and it being TOTALLY okay to have a PAJAMA day whenever I want to (several of you have visited and found me right here…..on the couch…..in my PJ’s)!
eating philly cheese steak sandwiches 3x’s in less than a week when things are tasting “normal” because they taste SOOOO……DANG…….GOOOD right now!
reconnecting with old friends……we really shouldn’t let LIFE get in the way…..but we all do! and getting to know many new ones!
meeting my insurance max-out-of-pocket WAYYYY early this year…..so all my bills are covered at 100%! (that’s HUGE)!

Honestly……I could go on with the positives……but I think you get my point!

Staying positive is so much easier with God and positive friends and family on my side. And who am I kidding? I still have a LONG ways to go. I’m sure there will be some tough days ahead……but knowing that I have such positive folks on my team, I know they will cheer me on during those difficult days.

Here’s to you finding the positive in all your tomorrows!

Hugs! The verse below says it all……..

Be encouraged!

Sonja

Philippians 4:8-9The Message (MSG)

8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

It Ain’t All About Me!

2017 has been an interesting year for us……to say the least. My cancer was diagnosed on May 1, 2017…….stressful enough, right? Then somewhere around mid-June, CC was diagnosed with a herniated disc and was out of work for 6 weeks recovering from that. While he was out during those 6 weeks, he had a recurrence of plantar fasciitis which he had struggled with since late last year.

**Backstory…….this plantar fasciitis started back in late 2016. In March, we had a trip planned to NYC – and he was still struggling with the plantar fasciitis…..and he had a cortisone shot just before we left so he could hopefully walk half way comfortably while we were gone. Eventually, he struggled with it again. Ugh!

In July this year, he had a 2nd cortisone shot and got some temporary relief. He went back to work after his back issues and was able to work for 3 weeks and one afternoon, he said he “felt” something snap in his foot…..and he was again having some awful pain. A trip BACK to the podiatrist determined he had torn his planter fascia. UGH! Bless his heart. So…….he has been out of work 2 weeks…..at home in a boot……just sitting and lying around…..AS BEST AS HE CAN. Those who know me – know that being a couch potato is NOT a problem for me. CC…….not so much. Typically he is ALWAYS doing something right up until bedtime each night. It’s just in his DNA. He has struggled immensely just being still! A return visit to the doctor this week and, while his foot is healing, he still has a ways to go. He was given 3 more weeks at home…….in the boot……sitting. If he had an office job, the doctor said he would have allowed him to return to work – but given that his job requires him to be on his feet all day…….climbing ladders and poles…..well, one day back at work would just UNDO the healing that had already taken place.

Gosh – he is gonna kill me for “oversharing” on his behalf. Ya’ll know he is the private one. Oh well, it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission sometimes…..and this is one of those times! I’ll deal with him tomorrow!

While I know this has been a real struggle for him, he has had a much better attitude about it than I ever imagined. I laughed and told him Monday that apparently, the Lord really wanted the two of us to spend ALOT of time together this year…..the only downside was that neither of us were “healthy” enough to spend this time doing anything fun! He’s in the recliner……and I’m on the couch!

HOWEVER…….as disappointed as he has been at not being able to work…..we have definitely seen where there were some unexpected advantages to our current situation. I’m NOT a morning person…..He is. The struggle is real! He is up with the chickens…..and lately, I’ve really done ALOT of power sleeping. Having him here has allowed him to take over my morning carpool duties. He’s been able to take the boys to school each day and allowed me to sleep in. The extra rest has truly been appreciated. Sometimes the blessings of our current situation may not be easy to see in the beginning……but when we take time to “get over ourselves” and see where God is truly showing up…… even in the middle of unfortunate situations, things don’t seem so bad at all.

He and I have also had a ton of time to spend together ALONE which hasn’t happened a lot over the past 14 years. We can actually finish a conversation without being interrupted! We’ve also been able to take care of some piddly things around the house that always seem to get pushed to the back burner for lack of time. We’ve spent some time watching some of our favorite TV shows…….and having lunch together…..heck, we’ve even been able to take trips together to the pharmacy to pick up our meds! 🙂 Sometimes it really is the small things! Anyway……while neither of us would have “chosen” this……it hasn’t been ALL bad…..and we’ve truly tried to make the most of it!

As for me……this week has been a huge improvement over last week. I’ve certainly had more energy. I think some of that is truly that I’ve felt better……and part of it is that I’m slowly (yeah, I said SLOWLY) learning to “just rest”. It’s still unnerving that I get so tired so quickly……but I’ve had 3 rounds of chemo……so it makes sense that my body gets a little weaker each time.

Today, I tried to rest up all day so I could attend the High School JV Football game to see my sweet neighbor suit up for her first game. Yes….I said HER first game! She’s the only girl on the team…….and while she’s a cutie……she’s a tough one! I was super thankful to be able to see her run out on that field and attempt an extra point! And it the weather today was PERFECT for football. Not too hot……not too cold!

And yesterday……..gosh…..I don’t know what was different about yesterday……but FOOD tasted more “normal” than it has since this started! We have been blessed by so many folks bringing food for us during all this……and yesterday, someone brought chicken casserole and pinto beans. They tasted soooooo good. I mighta had several helpings of the chicken casserole……..and I’m just gonna admit that last night at 9:45, I couldn’t stop thinking about how yummy those pinto beans tasted at dinner……so yeah……I got up and ate a “small” (wink) bowl last night just before bedtime……and I’m not ashamed one bit!

Count your blessings……..both big and small!

Now I’d better start working on my “forgiveness” speech………

Hugs!

Sonja

James 1:2-4The Message (MSG)

Faith Under Pressure

2-4 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

This Girl is On Fire!!!

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted here…….this hasn’t been my best week, and I have been very, very tired. Taking a shower can make me feel as if I’ve labored all day. This has definitely been a “resting” week. Lots of couch time……..and many mid-morning and afternoon naps. I always worry when I nap so much during the day if I will be able to sleep at night……but so far that has not been an issue….Praise the Lord!

One of the craziest “side effects” that I have experienced from chemo has been a “hot head”. Many would argue I’ve always been hot-headed……but trust me, this is different. At any given time – day or night – my entire head will feel as if it is on fire! The rest of my body will feel completely normal – but my head will not only “feel” as if it’s burning from the inside out – it will also be hot to the touch on the outside. One night this week, Hunter walked by me and patted me on the head as he so so often does – and he said “mama, your head it really hot”. I told him I knew it was – he should feel it from the inside! He asked if I thought I should take my temperature, so we did. Surprisingly enough, my body temperature was normal – but I promise you if I could have just recorded the temperature of my noggin’, it would have been at least 140 degrees. I don’t know if there is a “name” for this phenomenon – but I do know that it is real. Some refer to it as “head sweats” and others call it “hot flashes in your head”. I’ve had it happen a few times while I was up and around – maybe at the grocery store or running errands, but most often they occur when I’m completely at rest. Who knows. Just one of the many weird, random side effects of these toxic meds running through my veins.

I admit – every time this happens, this Alicia Keys song “Girl on Fire” always come to mind.

I guess it was kind of fitting that I didn’t physically feel great this week – because I was also a bit sad to see this week come. I’ve sent my child to school for many years now – but quite honestly, sending him off on his first day of school this year (as a high school freshman, mind you), was more difficult than ALL of the previous years combined. We have never before spent this much uninterrupted time together…….not since I was home on maternity leave 14 years ago. As much as having cancer sucks – having cancer with an awesome kid/cheerleader/sidekick/errand boy/couch companion/hammock buddy by my side since the end of May has been such a blessing to me. Probably not his favorite summer for the record books – but this mama has definitely soaked up EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. with him.

He’s taken on whatever task that I’ve asked of him – and many he’s taken on without even being asked. He’s grown physically taller this summer (and that voice – UGH, don’t even talk about that. I’m STILL in denial) – but he has also grown up in ways he could never even imagined. While I detest the reason he’s done this growing, I’m beyond blessed to see the wonderful young man that he is blossoming into. While we have made MANY mistakes as parents – he has persevered in spite of all of them. I’ve thought of this quote many times as I’ve watched him this summer. This particular quote always spoke to me because while Hunter enjoys watching sports, he’s not so competitive when it comes to sports……and that’s just fine by me.

He doesn’t like the same kind of things that his dad and I like…..he dances to the beat of his own drum and he is COMPLETELY comfortable in his own skin (and bright clothes). He is more competitive in the classroom – and for that I am more thankful than you can imagine. I don’t have to “parent” him when it comes to his school work. But he is kind……he is compassionate……and he has definitely put me first ALL. SUMMER. LONG. God blessed us immensely with this kid. No, he’s far from perfect – he has typical teenage struggles – but he has been a huge blessing to me this summer.

Last week was a trial run – he only had two half days of school. Tomorrow starts the “real deal” – he will be there from 8:00 am – 3:00 pm. I’m happy for him to be able to be back with his friends and classmates and have some “normalcy” back in his life. But I ain’t gonna lie……I’m gonna miss him like crazy!

I told several folks at church today that I had definitely felt the prayers of many this week. For on those days when I felt so bad, and didn’t know how to pray…….I could feel the prayers of others interceding on my behalf. Thank you to each and every one of you who have lifted me and my family in prayer. We truly covet them and are so grateful for our prayer warriors near and far. Social media isn’t “always” a bad thing! I love that my blog allows me to share with friends all over the world – and complete strangers too!

Today has been a long……full……but good day! Didn’t feel “great” – but thankful to have felt “good enough” to attend church this morning…….lunch with the family…….an afternoon of rest and Hallmark movies……and I was blessed to serve snacks for the youth group tonight……followed by dinner at my parent’s. I’m toast…….but thankful.

Nite!

Sonja

Romans 12:11-13The Message (MSG)

11-13 Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.