I’ve had several conversations with myself over the past few days…….and I’ve had to remind myself to “Suck it Up Buttercup”! Steroids can be a wonderful thing……and because I take them on chemo days and for four days AFTER chemo….they keep me going……for awhile. Thankfully, they got me through a wonderful Labor Day weekend at the beach with family and friends and I felt FANTASTIC the entire time. Fast forward to Wednesday of this week and BAM…….just like clock work……DFAC (Day Five After Chemo) came crashing in. Wednesday was the absolute WORST day I have encountered during this whole ordeal. I felt like crap ALL. DAY. LONG. Lots of stomach issues…….just plain tired……and the mental gymnastics of trying to make sense of how you can feel so good immediately after chemo……and then the yucky part hits several days later. Yeah – you would think that one would become accustomed to the routine……but anticipating it and actually enduring it are two different things.
While I enjoy an occasional “pajama day”…….having three days in a row this week of feeling like crap has not been easy to handle. I remind myself that my body has endured 4 rounds of some pretty toxic chemo…….and it’s okay to NOT feel good – but the reality is it’s it can wear on your nerves pretty quick. I managed to get a shower on Wednesday……but yesterday, I never bothered! I mean, when you don’t have to worry about how your hair looks it’s not such a big deal! 🙂
So when you spent two entire days on the couch “resting” – it would seem that running to the grocery store to grab something for dinner would NOT be a big deal. Yesterday, I asked CC if he would take me to the grocery store and, of course, he said yes! I got up, got dressed and came out and politely announced that he could stay home – I was sure that I would be okay to make the 3 mile trip to town, grab something for dinner and come back. He insisted on taking me – which kind of annoyed me – but oh well. He dropped me off at the door – and I stopped to grab the disinfecting wipes to wipe down the shopping cart. Once that was taken care of – I was on a mission……to grab the few things I needed as quickly as possible. I figured I should make the trip count – so I planned to get something for dinner for two nights. I was in the store no more than 20 minutes – probably less…….and by the time I reached the check out……I was wringing wet with sweat…….nervous, and feeling like I might just pass out at any moment. Seriously???? How can this be? A little grocery shopping excursion was kicking my ass! I could not wait to make my way to the car. I literally threw the groceries in the back and settled in the front seat of the car and turned the AC on full blast. I felt like a volcano was erupting inside of me I was so hot. CC immediately asked if I was okay – and all I could do was shake my head “no”……I knew if I tried to speak, I would burst into tears.
Never fear – the tears came anyway. I had a slight mini-meltdown on the way home……so frustrated that something as trivial as a trip to the grocery store used up every ounce of energy that I had. And mind you – I’d been “resting” for two whole days. What is the logic in that? So I had a few moments of feeling sorry for myself…….and then all I could think about was “Suck it Up, Buttercup”. While my situation is not ideal – it is NOT the worst thing in the world either. This quote quickly came to mind…..
I guess I’m allowed to have a pity party every now and again……but the most important thing to remember is that I can’t UNPACK AND LIVE THERE. Granted – I don’t want to even GO there……but I surely can’t allow myself to STAY there. Thankfully – crying it out was pretty cathartic……and then it was over……and I got back home, crawled into my bed and just rested…….AGAIN!
Time and God has a way of making us see things more clearly. As I was “resting”, I was reminded about all the “good” in my life and that each and every one of us are fighting some sort of battle. For me it’s cancer……for others, it may be overeating, or bad relationships, depression, aging parents, financial burdens……the list goes on and on. In the past two weeks, I have learned of 3 more ladies from my hometown being diagnosed with cancer…….and this week I learned of a young 4 year old girl being diagnosed with AML leukemia on Tuesday of this week and started chemo the very next day! I. CANNOT. IMAGINE. what her poor parents are going through……and how do you explain something like this to a 4 year old? This child and her family is having to LIVE in the hospital for the next several months. Their world has been turned upside down! And me……at 50 years old…….was upset just because a trip to the grocery store wore me out. Talk about a reality check!
I didn’t sleep well last night…….and that’s very unusual……so I slept in extra late this morning. And so far, I’ve managed to have a bite to eat……enjoy a cup of coffee…..chat with my mom on the phone……work on my blog……enjoy a visit from my dad……received an encouraging text from a friend……and I’ve decided that no matter what…..today is GOING to be a GOOD day. I’m CHOOSING to focus on the GOOD stuff!
Suck it Up, Buttercup!
Be Awesome today!
1 Peter 4:13The Message (MSG)
Glory Just Around the Corner
12-13 Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.