It’s now been exactly one week since I completed my last radiation treatment. And what a wonderful week it’s been. I really can’t describe just how awesome it’s been to have NOTHING on my calendar. No labs……no doctors appointments……no treatments……NOTHING! It’s quite a welcome change!
The fatigue is still a big issue – and Saturday I took the liberty of having a “pajama day”. I had the most relaxing day at home doing NOTHING and it was wonderful. This week, however, I’m trying to MAKE myself get up and do SOMETHING each day. Even if it’s only for a few hours. Sometimes – just getting up and getting moving helps.
Call me crazy (you won’t be the first)…..but last week, for the first time since my cancer diagnosis……I truly experienced a little fear. How crazy is it that this fear only showed up AFTER the chaos of the past nine months…….AFTER all the hard stuff was over. But a few days after completing radiation – I had this realization that there had been a HUGE sense of security during all my chemo and radiation treatments. I was constantly at the hospital, having blood work, getting chemo or radiation, and X-rays, and weekly visits with the doctor……but NOW……all of that is over. I mean, I’ll still have sporadic visits with the doctors but nothing like before. Being at the hospital so much, there was this enormous sense of security regarding my health – because they were constantly checking me and looking out for me.
Now…..well, that FEAR crept in big time last week. I remember having a conversation with myself (don’t judge) saying “here is where you find out just how big your faith is”. I admit that I have had the utmost faith in my doctors, nurses, therapists, etc from the beginning. Faith that they were going to do the absolute best they could in efforts to rid my body of this cancer. I’ve also had faith that God was going to see me through this – whatever that looked like…..but that FEAR kept creeping in. Was I really going to be able to trust and believe that I had been healed? Was I going to have the confidence to move forward with my life and not let this fear paralyze me? I messaged my friend Miranda saying “while i’m happy to be done with treatment, there was always this sense of security being at the hospital every single day.” She responded back confirming that what I was feeling was completely normal…….and while it does get better, it takes awhile. Okay – so at least there was some validity to what I was feeling……and obviously others have experienced this same fear as well.
So……let me set the stage for what happened next.
Several weeks ago, my friend Lisa felt led to start a Bible Study in her home. We were going to meet on Friday nights. The first week she held the class, I was out of town, so I was unable to go. The next week, we got hit by a small blizzard in the middle of the week…..and because there was still snow and ice hanging around, she decided it was best to cancel that Friday. Here is what she posted about cancelling that night (January 19th was the actual date).
Bible study at my home is canceled for tonight. While the roads are clear, Westover and my driveway are still pretty icy. I am most concerned about someone slipping and falling while getting from the road into the house. We will resume next Friday at 6:30 p.m. Come and enjoy! Our topic will still be “Walking from fear into faith”. It will be a great time! Hope to see you!
So…..last week we were able to meet on Friday night at her home. Our topic was “Walking from fear into faith”…….the study she had prepared the week prior before the snowpocalypse. We discussed that fear is real. And fear is designed by God to alert us to danger……and it’s not realistic to think we can live without fear at times.
Psalm 56:3-4 says
3 But when I am afraid,
I will put my trust in you.
4 I praise God for what he has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere mortals do to me?
Hebrews 11:1 “Now Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
So was my faith, indeed, bigger than my fear? As I sat there Friday night – I wasn’t sure why anybody else had come, because I was CONFIDENT that God intended this message JUST FOR ME.
Isn’t it cool to sit back and look at how God works? You see – the Friday before (the original date we were to discuss this topic) I still had two radiation treatments left. I had not yet felt this fear creep in. God’s timing is always perfect. And although Lisa had prepared this study a week prior – God knew that these fears were going to creep in for me last week. He knew just when I needed to hear this! Once again – I got cold chills.
We also discussed these 4 Truths
#1 – God Loves us (as shown in John 3:16, John 16:27 and Romans 5:5)
#2 – God knows what is going on in our lives (Matthew 6:31-32, Psalms 139:1-10)
$3 – God can do something about it (Genesis 18:14, Luke 1:37)
#4 – You can trust His goodness in whatever He chooses to do (Proverbs 3:5, Psalms 119:68)
For obvious reasons – Truth #2 really stood out to me. God knows what’s going on in my life (just like He knows what’s going on in yours). He knows my fears – and He knew those fears were going to creep in……and HE knew I needed to hear this study on that very topic on this exact night!
Before we wrapped up our study Friday night, we listened to this song “Trust in You” by Laura Daigle. I’ve heard this song many, many times……but on this particular night, the words resonated with me like never before. The verse at the 1:17 minute mark really spoke to me
Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less
Yet again……God showed up and showed off. On so many levels. I’m so thankful for my friend Lisa – and for her stepping out in faith to start this Bible Study in her home (and trust me, she had MANY fears about doing this). Because her faith was bigger than her fear – she was obedient to what God had laid on her heart to do……..and God used her and her Bible Study to speak directly to ME about MY faith and MY fear. How awesome is that??!!!
I love that God continues to remind me to “keep your eyes on ME”!
Psalm 139:1-10 New International Version (NIV)
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.